Archive for the ‘Thoughts & Feelings’ Category

Not A Word About It

 

I’m not sure if I still have anything to say…well, write.  I’ve never had much to say, but I used to have lots to write about. A lot of feelings and thoughts I wanted to express in some way.

It was a combination of things really – growing up a bit and not feeling the need to roll around in my own mess – busy – tired – happy.  I’ve had to re-imagine my creative self into this new box. A more cheerful, less dramatic version of myself and I’m not exactly sure how that relates to who I was creatively before. It was easier when I was a young kid, angry and trying to emulate all of my junkie heroes.  Now, it’s harder – for a weekend rocker, corporate gig, not-so-angry type girl to figure out where that voice went and if it’s still relevant to who I’ve become.

“There was this burning, just like there’s always been…” Yes, that is true. It’s not that I’ve changed that much – it’s almost like the circumstances changed around me and I can’t help but be affected by my surroundings. When I was a teenager, I wanted to understand why I was so different. It was easy to be cynical, even with the expansive rolling possibility that stretched out before me. In my 20s, it was about stomping around, experience and getting your yearn on. Do it, we could be dead tomorrow.  In my 30s now, it’s a strange sensation.  Okay, I get it now. You made your choices while you weren’t even paying attention.  Ranked them all by importance.  One ranked particularly high, above all others. You got it, you did it, we made it. You can’t complain now, you acheived goal one. But is this it? Was that goal acheived at the detriment of all others?

I can relate to when Stephen Ashbrook sings, “I’m sorry if I get tired. It’s been rock and roll at any cost.” So, now, happily married in my 30s to the OTHER element that consumed my twenties, and with the rock and roll part under control, I am left feeling a little bit confused.  Not unhappy, but just wondering what the next big thing is for a girl who has always needed a next big thing. That’s part of why I started this.  I want to feel connected to my creative life again, even if it’s just re-telling the true tales of a never-was.

 

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